Now...

I've been back from Ethiopia for 2 months now!  It truly seems like it was a dream in many ways, but the images, people, sounds, and smells are still vivid in my mind.  As I said in my last post, re-entry was not easy.  I was ill and jet-lagged and in quite a "funk" for a while.  It was SO good to be home- to kiss my kids and my husband, to have my bed, shower, clean clothes, and medicine.  But, my heart was completely torn and my brain was completely overwhelmed.  Only God could have planned an adoptive couple's retreat 2 weeks after we got home that we HAD to attend because we had agreed to lead one of the breakout sessions.  So, we already had babysitting lined up- it was 1 night, and if we hadn't been speaking, I honestly think we would have bailed because there were a hundred reasons for why we should NOT go.  Namely, I THOUGHT we all needed a weekend together to decompress and relax (although I should know by now that that rarely happens when we're home because there are a zillion projects and things that beckon us 24/7).  So once the kids were packed and where they needed to be and we were packed and on the road (no easy feat), Galen and I were finally able to unwind, connect, and talk about what we were going to speak on during our breakout session (Engaging Your Church to be Adoption Supportive)!  We arrived to the most lovely room (and wonderful goodie bags), met some amazing people, enjoyed terrific worship, and heard from a most inspiring couple, Sara and Nate Hagerty.  While I thought the retreat would be about adoption and orphan care-- which my heart is obviously passionate about, it turned out to be a vehicle that God used to speak to me about US/ He and I.  Now I'm sure most everyone else had the same perception, but God is awesome like that-- He meets us all where we are if we're willing to listen.  Here's what I felt Him saying to me:
"I know you long for adventure and purpose.  I know adopting Markos brought you to a new level of trusting me and gave you a sense of fulfillment and greater meaning in life as you seek to care for orphans everywhere.  Now I've brought you to Abraham and another life-changing experience in Ethiopia.  I know you are torn in your desire to be there verses the dichotomy of the life you have here.  But you know what?  This amazing adventure of adoption.... your passion to care for orphans... the connectedness you feel with others who are like-minded in these things....  THAT IS WHAT I WANT WITH YOU.  I want your heart on an internal adventure with me.  All the external amazing experiences, travels, and relationships, they are wonderful.  But apart from me, they will not satisfy you-- you will be frustrated, your priorities askew, and you will always want for more.  Only I can fulfill you completely.  But you must join me on this wild and amazing adventure that is unseen but that manifests what is seen..."
As God spoke to me that weekend, I truly felt Him/ my Heavenly Father, calling to me/ His daughter to realize what He had done out of love for me and to climb up on His lap and commit to getting to KNOW Him.  I'm a do-er and so love doing-- whether serving or fellowshipping or mission tripping or adopting or writing or debriefing or listening or reading, but I rarely spend time truly getting to KNOW Him.  I shoot off prayers and talk to Him throughout the day, similarly to how I call my husband on the cell phone throughout the day.  But if my husband and I never spent more than 3 minutes at a time talking during the day.... if we weren't intentional about really connecting every day and making "date nights" and getaways a priority... if we didn't strive to listen to, study, and grow with one another... we'd find ourselves on our own individual paths before we knew it.  This marital cohabitation can be found spiritually as well.  We can relegate God to a role of convenience and appearance on what we think is important, but our spiritual lives become hollow and prone to crumble.
In fits and starts over these past 2 months, I have been embarking on this inward adventure.  I consider myself a disciplined person in many regards, but this is definitely a struggle for me.   It is much easier for me to stay abreast of facebook, or read inspiring blogs, or go for a run while listening to a podcast of one of my favorite pastors, or write someone a note of encouragement, or read a book ABOUT becoming more spiritually disciplined... than it is for me to get up early and spend time (more than a few minutes) reading my Bible (which He uses to speak to me) and in prayer (where we communicate and grow in intimacy).  But I have found that even in my frail attempt to commit to this mutual pursuit, He has given me grace and peace beyond my comprehension.  I no longer feel distraught about "what's next?!?!" and "how can I live here with all this while knowing what's happening there?!?"  While I thought the absence of frustration or discontent might be considered apathy or ignorance on my part, it's actually God filling that void with Himself and deepening my sense of trust of Him with the future.  I can honestly say, "Where He goes, I'll go; where He stays, I'll stay; where He moves, I'll move; I will follow."
And so I am where I am.  I am able to better love my husband unabashedly, to soak up the moments with my growing kids, and to recognize that there are people all around me who need the same thing I do=== to know Him.  I fail all the time and each time I do, I'm tempted to fall victim to shame or  anger at myself.  But like I do with my kids when I see them fall in shame or anger due to "messing up," God draws me to Himself.  From my experiences in Ethiopia to my experiences here, I am better able to see that when things are "hard," it's an opportunity NOT to run, but to climb up on Abba's lap and draw close to the One who knows me best and who knows exactly what I need.  Because, in the end, that is the goal: knowing Him.  The external goal we and the rest of the world sees, whether it's adoption or support raising or good behavior in our kids or having a clean house, those things are not our ultimate aim.  If those things happen, that's great.  But if they don't, and we've grown in intimacy with Him -- drawn closer to Him who created us, died for us, and now lives with and loves us beyond our comprehension, then that inward journey is being accomplished. 
This adventure of the heart is lifelong, and while I'd up and move to Ethiopia with my family if God called us there tomorrow, it would be out of an internal pursuit of Him and not an external pursuit of it.  Right now, my heart is stirred for my husband and my children- 1 of whom is still in Ethiopia and I long for to be home.  I know God is preparing us all for the "what's next" but I'm content to let Him lead me through the moments.  Whether you feel called to move to another country, to adopt, to go on a mission trip, to sponsor a child, or to support any of the wonderful organizations I wrote about here, may it stem from your relationship with Him.  May He align your priorities and give you peace for the journey you are on.  And may you see opportunities in the "hard" to know Him MORE, regardless of external outcome.
 Hope is about fixing myself on the Unseen and letting that fixation define how I see all else around me. Hope is about casting off what I might dream to be a beautifully significant life, unclenching the arms I’ve wrapped tight around this perspective, spreading them wide, and saying “Father, I receive what You have for me. You are better than my best.” -- from Sara Hagerty's beautiful blog, Every Bitter Thing Is Sweet 
 **  I highly recommend the adoptive couple's retreat mentioned above.  Actually, I highly recommend any Christ-centered couple's retreat where you and your spouse can hear, discuss, and connect about knowing and loving Him more.  The retreat we attended was called, Together Called and is already being planned for next year back in Lancaster, PA.  Here is the synoposis:
We are husbands and wives together called to parent children grafted into our families. This grafting can be challenging and the road is one with unanticipated bends and turns. Yet, we walk in that calling because we trust the One who has called us to it.

His plans extend beyond simply ushering these precious ones under our roof. This road is not just for us and the children we’ve adopted; it is ours with Him as well.

Together Called is an opportunity to come together, a place for husbands and wives to be encouraged as they live this out, a place for us to learn and fellowship together as a community.